Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Long Time

It's been awhile since I've posted anything but I've been very busy trying to jump start my life again. As of September, I'll be unemployed. Imagine that. Cisco laid me off 4 months after I announced that I'm transgendered. Hmmm....I wonder why that is?

Well, anyway, I'm going to get some job training so that I can safely transition to male, like real estate appraising and inspecting. Those are mostly male type jobs, so I should be okay. In the background I'll pick up contract technical writing to pay the bills.

It's been hard to readjust after working at Cisco for 9 years. They've hired an Indian contractor, who is physically located in India to replace me and who has no technical writing skills whatsoever. I know this because I interviewed the woman. What a slap in the face to all of us Americans who are out of work. I think that is so unethical for a company to abuse third-world people in that way and to put us out of work when there are 6.5 million Americans out of work already. Obama, where are you???

I'm beginning to look more male. More hair everywhere except the face. I suppose that's next. My voice is definitely deeper now too. It's kind of exciting to watch these changes. I guess I can start taking photos now.

More later...

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I think I've nailed down why I was feeling blue the other day! It seems that no one who I talk to about being transgendered (those who are not transgendered), don't get it. Some try to understand but don't. They think I'm lesbian. Even if I tell them over and over again that I'm not gay, it just doesn't sink in. It's a bummer.

Of course, it'll be moot when I actually look like a man because no one will know that I was ever a woman. I won't be telling anyone new about it unless I become romantically involved. Then I'll have to tell the woman. But, anyone else - they don't need to know. It's safer that way. No need to engage in some fruitless conversation about gender identity and sexual attraction. The two are very different!

I've only had one person say to me "so you're straight" when I first told her. She got it! I present as a woman right now so I kind of understand the confusion but my so called friends still see me as a lesbian and address me in that fashion. Don't misunderstand me, there's nothing wrong at all with being lesbian. I posed as one for 25 years and had 3 lovers (albeit they were bi), but I only did so because I desparately needed to feel okay about myself and fit in somewhere. That didn't work sadly because I'm transgendered.

I used to worry about losing my old friends but now I'm realizing that it's too much work to keep people in my life who don't understand or who I have to explain this transgendered issue over and over. It's very stressful changing my body to match my soul as is much less having to deal with stupid, uncaring, and unloving people who just mock me anyway.

I feel much better realizing this so I can move on. My body is changing, but very slowly. I think that's a good thing so that I have time to adjust to the new look. I like what I see so far (fat redistribution and some hair realignment on my forehead, and my voice is deepening) and I'm looking forward to the rest of the changes. I know now it will take a while for everything to change but that's okay!

Have a fun 4th of July!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Feeling Blue Today

I must say that for some reason I'm feeling blue today. I have felt this way for a few days, actually. It might have to do with my leaving my old life behind me; at least that's what my therapist says! I think that's part of it but also I saw some very old friends of mine on Sunday. I hadn't seen them since 1970s and they were old then!

They're actually the parents of my very first girlfriend and they were very good to me. I have fond memories of Eddy working on his car, mowing his lawn, and talking all the time he was working. He was always up for a good joke and pulled plenty too! Bertha was very reserved but nice. She loved to laugh too at Eddy's jokes. My girlfriend and I loved each other very much but something happened when we went into high school and I still don't know what. Of course, now she has early dementia and hardly remembers me. I saw her on Sunday too. I wonder if she's hiding what she remembers about us behind the dementia or she really doesn't remember. I guess I'll never know. None of them know I'm transgender but I'll have to tell them as time goes on especially if I keep in touch which I'm planning on doing.

That's it for now...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Training at Work

Just thought I would check in today and add a few comments. My employer is being very supportive of my transition. A special training session will be conducted with my work groups to explain what it means to be transgendered and how to resolve issues that come up, whatever they may be.

I hope that my work group, who is split between San Jose, CA, Raleigh-Durham, NC, and India will be supportive also. The training will be conducted using Telepresence and will be recorded to present to other groups in the company. I'm very excited about moving forward and apprehensive at the same time too.

More later...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Orange County Center Gala Dinner

Last Saturday I attended the Gala Dinner for Orange County's GLBT Center. It was held at the Hyatt in Irvine, CA. It was super and the food was good. I haven't attended one of the dinners since the 80s! There were about 400 or 500 people there. It was a chance for me to get all dressed up as a man and I looked pretty sharp too!

The highlight of the evening was talking to Cybill Shepard! Her daughter has finally come out as lesbian and Cybill was so proud to announce it. I remember the reckless rumors about Cybill back in the 70s and 80s. She was one wild chick, doing everyone around. Men mainly or she said in her book. But, she's as beautiful as ever and I was pleased to talk to her.

Because of this dinner and my T-man support group, I've decided to get more involved with our community again. I was very involved in the 80s when everyone was trying to cope with the devastating effects of AIDS. I even marched on Sacramento to protest the lack of funding.

Now, transgender people need recognition and acceptance so here I am. The facilitator of my T-man group has asked me to be a presenter at PFLAG and sit on the ECCO board and I accepted. I have no idea where these two organizations will take me but it'll be fun, I think!

Got to go to work!

Monday, April 27, 2009

I began using the T patch on 4/23/09. I'll tell you, I had the Rx for two days before I actually gave it to the pharmacist to fill, because there are many social and personal issues going on about my transitioning that I'm still mulling over. I was and am scared about it. I really don't know what to expect from my body - will I wake up tomorrow all hairy and bald? Jeeze that's not what I want! Okay calm down...Let me give you some background on where I live and who I am.

I live in South Orange County, California. This county is one of the more conservative in California even though there are a fair number of people of color in North County. There are finally enough minorities to override the solid, conservative Republican vote. There is still bias for anyone different or anyone who has a different idea. If you're white, male, and straight, you're okay.

If you've seen the movie, Milk, Orange County is mentioned several times because this is where the firing of gay teachers bill was written. When I moved here many years ago, the John Birch society was here. This society evolved into the right-wing Republican party with all of its rhetoric about abortion, gays, African-Americans, get the picture.

John Birch and his society are long gone, but the Republican party is still here and dumbfounded by the defeat of John McCain! That's because they're just dumb. They've been so focused on ignoring ethics and stuffing their pockets with money that they've forgotten why this nation is admired and was a great power before the Bush/Cheney thing.

We were a great power because we CARED about our people. We TOOK care of the less fortunate in our society. We PAID for research for AIDS, cancer, MS, heart disease, and all of the other illnesses that plague us. We USE to house and provide food for the homeless, most of whom were mentally disabled or sick, so that they didn't die in the streets or get raped or murdered. Good God, they're so preoccupied with keeping money from the rest of us and hoarding it for themselves, that they have just about killed this country! Thank you Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney.

Orange County is a little more liberal today, but a transgender person is still looked upon as a freak. Gays and lesbians are accepted more because they're more out than the transgendered population. Of course, once you've transitioned, no one can tell that you were once a woman so who would know, except you. It's time to talk about it - openly and honestly.

So back to the Rx. My pharmacist has known me for years as a woman. Albeit maybe he thought I was a lesbian but he was always friendly and willing to help. Well, when I handed him the Rx and he got finished reading it, he couldn't even look me in the eye! With his head down, staring at the Rx and in a very low, voice he says to me, "do you know what this is for?"

I wanted to laugh so much that I had tears in my eyes from forcing back the laughter. But I could see he was genuinely perplexed by this Rx that I just said yes I know what it's for. So I left the store and came back the next day to pick it up. Again, he just didn't know what to say about except, do you know what this is for. He smiled but wasn't friendly.

I was laughing all the way home about it. Poor man, I guess he never has READ anything about transgendered people or heard anything about us. How can this be? Information about us is everywhere. There was a landmark decision in the paper the other day about a trans woman who was murdered by some staight fuck and the jury found the murdered guilty! Does my pharmacist live in a vaccuum? It wouldn't surprise me!

Okay enough for today...