Discovery

I think I've nailed down why I was feeling blue the other day! It seems that no one who I talk to about being transgendered (those who are not transgendered), don't get it. Some try to understand but don't. They think I'm lesbian. Even if I tell them over and over again that I'm not gay, it just doesn't sink in. It's a bummer.

Of course, it'll be moot when I actually look like a man because no one will know that I was ever a woman. I won't be telling anyone new about it unless I become romantically involved. Then I'll have to tell the woman. But, anyone else - they don't need to know. It's safer that way. No need to engage in some fruitless conversation about gender identity and sexual attraction. The two are very different!

I've only had one person say to me "so you're straight" when I first told her. She got it! I present as a woman right now so I kind of understand the confusion but my so called friends still see me as a lesbian and address me in that fashion. Don't misunderstand me, there's nothing wrong at all with being lesbian. I posed as one for 25 years and had 3 lovers (albeit they were bi), but I only did so because I desparately needed to feel okay about myself and fit in somewhere. That didn't work sadly because I'm transgendered.

I used to worry about losing my old friends but now I'm realizing that it's too much work to keep people in my life who don't understand or who I have to explain this transgendered issue over and over. It's very stressful changing my body to match my soul as is much less having to deal with stupid, uncaring, and unloving people who just mock me anyway.

I feel much better realizing this so I can move on. My body is changing, but very slowly. I think that's a good thing so that I have time to adjust to the new look. I like what I see so far (fat redistribution and some hair realignment on my forehead, and my voice is deepening) and I'm looking forward to the rest of the changes. I know now it will take a while for everything to change but that's okay!

Have a fun 4th of July!
Alex

Feeling Blue Today

I must say that for some reason I'm feeling blue today. I have felt this way for a few days, actually. It might have to do with my leaving my old life behind me; at least that's what my therapist says! I think that's part of it but also I saw some very old friends of mine on Sunday. I hadn't seen them since 1970s and they were old then!

They're actually the parents of my very first girlfriend and they were very good to me. I have fond memories of Eddy working on his car, mowing his lawn, and talking all the time he was working. He was always up for a good joke and pulled plenty too! Bertha was very reserved but nice. She loved to laugh too at Eddy's jokes. My girlfriend and I loved each other very much but something happened when we went into high school and I still don't know what. Of course, now she has early dementia and hardly remembers me. I saw her on Sunday too. I wonder if she's hiding what she remembers about us behind the dementia or she really doesn't remember. I guess I'll never know. None of them know I'm transgender but I'll have to tell them as time goes on especially if I keep in touch which I'm planning on doing.

That's it for now...
Alex